february, two thousand twenty four, five years later
She didn’t get placed. She stayed
in my life. We spent hours together talking, listening to music in the car, and
cooking together. I watched as she bounced between mom, dad, and aunt.
No matter what chaos was going on
in her life, she met it with astounding optimism and resilience. She was wise
beyond her years. She was proud of the fact that I knew her since she was eight.
Through the hours, the days, the years, she was born of my heart.
Then I moved too far away to pick
her up on weekends. We kept in touch, and occasionally I’d pick her up. She had
the opportunity to come see my world for a day and we sang and cooked together
like old times.
Then came the day she didn’t
reply to my messages anymore, and I had to choose to continue to bring her
before the throne because that was all that was left to do. I worried for her,
and wondered if she was okay.
One day,
I picked up my pen and wrote her a letter.
To Emma
my dear, dear daughter
I’ve loved you since you were eight, you know. Now you’re
nineteen. Growing up. I don’t know where you live, where you work. Have you
learned to drive yet? Are you still dating that Puerto Rican you liked so much?
Did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?
I still love you, and I always will no matter what you’ve
done or if I ever hear from you again. And I will always pray for you. That is
how I fight for you – remember that song I sent you? It’s all I can do right
now.
So many memories flood my mind, feelings in my heart. How
Oceans is our song. And I really hope you get to sing it at my wedding, if I
ever have one. Maybe we can even do it together. And will you get my kid those
red converse shoes you talked about? I know you’d be his favorite aunt. When we
go out to Panera, I’ll always get you the Mac ‘n’ Cheese with a baguette. Oh,
and if I have kids I’m gonna need someone to come help me with dinner. Will you
be that person? I really hope so.
Daughter, no matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve
done or what has been done to you, I will love you. I will fight for you. Nothing,
no wall is to thick and no distance is too great. My heart will always break
for you. My eyes will always cry for you. I will never forget you. I will love
you because you are a part of me, forever and ever.
(you know if you’re not at my wedding, I’ma gonna miss you
like crazy.)
That
fall, for several days I had this impression that something terrible was
happening to her. I cried and prayed. I messaged her, and no response. All that
was left to do was to lift her, once again, to the throne.
fall, two thousand twenty five
I had
this feeling I had to find Emma. It had gone too long without any word, and I
was desperate to know that she was alive and okay. When she didn’t reply to my
messages, and after stalking all her social media accounts and finding them
inactive, I had this feeling that she was in jail somewhere, or worse.
All my
searching, I came up with nothing. I thought about walking into the police
station and somehow convincing them to give me information about her even
though I’m not blood related. I thought about walking and driving all the
streets of my old city until I found her. But first, I decided to message her
sister. I didn’t expect a reply, and even if she did, would she really know
where Emma was? Last I heard, the two weren’t talking.
Two days
later, I had a reply. Currently she’s in state prison she has been for a
while and she won’t be out till maybe sometime next year. My first reaction
was, I knew it! I knew that’s where she was. Then came the tears full force,
tears of grief that I wasn’t standing by her the past three years. Even if I
couldn’t have changed the outcome, does she even have someone fighting for her?
Once I knew which state prison she was committed to, it
didn’t take me long for me to find a way to send her a long letter, part of
which said, I love you like a daughter. This time, there was no choice to
make of whether or not I was going to enter her life. That choice was made
years ago.
Since she’s in a medium/maximum prison it’s going to take a
while to get approved to go see her. But meanwhile, we can message. And I got
to talk to her on the phone the other day and hear her voice. She told me, I
could hardly believe you’d want to come see me in prison. She’s still the
resilient, hope-filled girl I’ve always known. And it makes me so happy to have
my daughter back in my life.