but i leave

The woman who walked in these doors July 28, 2020 is not the same woman who will be walking out of them on November 22, 2025. When I think of the past five years, words evade me to fully capture the time that has passed.

Hundreds of people have enriched my life. These are the people that have taught me words like undergrad, dissertation, e-con, and comprehensive exam. These are the people whose cities and countries I dream of visiting someday. These are the people who have shared some of their joys and sorrows with me in our conversations. These people showed me beauty, and goodness, and the many faces of the image of God. These are the people who I've watched date, get married, have babies, and then watched the babies grow up to say my name. These are the people who have given me free dessert and drinks when I walk into their place of work. These are the people who yell my name out of car windows and from across streets. These are the people with whom I've shared meals and hugged and laughed and cried. These are the people who have christened me the mayor of State College. These are the people whose first stop when they get into town is Sowers, who return years after they graduated. These are the people in whom I long to see the kingdom of heaven come more fully. I can only pray that they've experienced the presence of God through me, and that their hearts burn within them. I will remember their faces, their names, and in the remembering, will hold them up before the throne. 

There is one smaller group of people who has impacted me deeply - my team. I have worked with dozens. And I feel honored to know such amazing people. They have become some of my closest friends and in so many ways, like family. These are the people to whom I can say, “Make me whatever drink you want”, with the confidence there will be no coconut or peppermint in it. These are the people who will assemble my panini how I like it, not so much because I am particular, but because they care for their team members so well. These are the people who will bend over backwards to satisfy a customer, even if the mistake wasn't theirs. These are the people who will do crazy things like run around the block together every morning before work for a month. These are the people who will make a customer's food for them before the person steps up to the counter (because some people are so predictable), and it's rewarding to see the surprised look on their face as they are handed their order as they pay. These are the people who will stress eat pretzels with too much butter and muffins with too much whipped cream and who will serve almost a thousand people in a day and revel in it. These are the people who will laugh at your stupid mistake, but will stick with you like family. I am a different woman because of these people, and for that I am deeply, forever grateful.  

But I leave. Deep down, I've known this day was coming ever since my first day. Do I regret pouring my whole self into these people, even though at times there was not much to pour? Not for one moment. Even in the moments of the pain, of so much loss, every single person I have loved and interacted with over the past five years was worth it. 

I feel a little bit like Abram when he stepped out of his home to leave for Ur. The only answer to the why, is God's voice. I follow Him.